tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49776588344144902482024-03-13T06:41:33.585-04:00Am I Really a Mother?This is a blog about becoming a mother, something that I always dreamed about, and divorces that went wrong. It is a blog about my children being raised by their fathers and my having simple "visitation" and of the emptiness in my soul without my children in my day to day life.phillygirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06905821805251851278noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977658834414490248.post-70947608846686088552008-02-13T00:25:00.001-05:002008-02-13T01:14:39.009-05:00My Dreams, My BackgroundI started out my life with the dream that many other women have, that of a beautiful home, Prince Charming as the husband, 2.5 children, and a dog or two. I loved children and cannot remember a time that I didn't dream of having one. I babysat at a young age and was great at it. There was nothing like holding a baby or playing house with a little one.<br />Throughout high school, we were expected to determine "what we wanted to be when we grew up" and for my friends, it was to "be an accountant", to "be a teacher", but for me, it was always to be a mother.<br /><br />I met "Steve" in my last year of high school and followed him onto college. While I did okay in college, my heart wasn't in it. Into my 3rd year, I got pregnant and shortly thereafter, I miscarried. Truly, it was not a planned pregnancy, but losing this baby was devastating to me. I worried that there was something wrong with me, that perhaps I would NEVER be able to have a baby, and I felt panic inside me at that thought.<br /><br />Then, three months later, I got pregnant again and oh, how my life changed. I missed my period, yet pregnancy tests were coming out negative. I had all of the symptoms, so I finally went to the doctor and had blood drawn, and it was confirmed that I was pregnant. Yet instead of being happy, I was afraid. Inside, I felt that something was wrong with the baby and could not shake it. I told the OBGYN and he wouldn't listen, laughing me off, telling me I was being a worrywart. So, I went back to school and tried to throw myself into classes, yet still, i knew something wasn't right.<br /><br />Once back to school, I decided to make some calls and was laughed off by a few doctors, some who wouldn't see me knowing I already had another OBGYN, then finally, a specialist saw me, stating that he "would never turn a mother away who fears something was wrong with her baby"...so, i went to see him and had blood drawn. Then the next day, he called me, saying that i needed to be there, YESTERDAY!! Here, my progesterone level was a ZERO, so the placenta wasn't making ANY food for the baby!! Nicholas was starving!!<br /><br />Immediately, I was given a shot of progesterone. I begged the doctor to do an ultrasound and he advised that that would be a futile effort as the baby would either be dead, dying, or in shock...So, I had to wait for 2 weeks, taking daily shots and praying. And a long 2 weeks they were. But I made it through and there was NOTHING like seeing Nicholas on that screen, his heart beating and little body moving around inside me.<br />From that point on, with weekly progesterone injections , I had an easy pregnancy and a healthy son later that year.<br />And my life, and the definition of my self, changed. I was now a mom, and my dream had become a reality.phillygirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06905821805251851278noreply@blogger.com0