Wednesday, February 13, 2008

My Dreams, My Background

I started out my life with the dream that many other women have, that of a beautiful home, Prince Charming as the husband, 2.5 children, and a dog or two. I loved children and cannot remember a time that I didn't dream of having one. I babysat at a young age and was great at it. There was nothing like holding a baby or playing house with a little one.
Throughout high school, we were expected to determine "what we wanted to be when we grew up" and for my friends, it was to "be an accountant", to "be a teacher", but for me, it was always to be a mother.

I met "Steve" in my last year of high school and followed him onto college. While I did okay in college, my heart wasn't in it. Into my 3rd year, I got pregnant and shortly thereafter, I miscarried. Truly, it was not a planned pregnancy, but losing this baby was devastating to me. I worried that there was something wrong with me, that perhaps I would NEVER be able to have a baby, and I felt panic inside me at that thought.

Then, three months later, I got pregnant again and oh, how my life changed. I missed my period, yet pregnancy tests were coming out negative. I had all of the symptoms, so I finally went to the doctor and had blood drawn, and it was confirmed that I was pregnant. Yet instead of being happy, I was afraid. Inside, I felt that something was wrong with the baby and could not shake it. I told the OBGYN and he wouldn't listen, laughing me off, telling me I was being a worrywart. So, I went back to school and tried to throw myself into classes, yet still, i knew something wasn't right.

Once back to school, I decided to make some calls and was laughed off by a few doctors, some who wouldn't see me knowing I already had another OBGYN, then finally, a specialist saw me, stating that he "would never turn a mother away who fears something was wrong with her baby", i went to see him and had blood drawn. Then the next day, he called me, saying that i needed to be there, YESTERDAY!! Here, my progesterone level was a ZERO, so the placenta wasn't making ANY food for the baby!! Nicholas was starving!!

Immediately, I was given a shot of progesterone. I begged the doctor to do an ultrasound and he advised that that would be a futile effort as the baby would either be dead, dying, or in shock...So, I had to wait for 2 weeks, taking daily shots and praying. And a long 2 weeks they were. But I made it through and there was NOTHING like seeing Nicholas on that screen, his heart beating and little body moving around inside me.
From that point on, with weekly progesterone injections , I had an easy pregnancy and a healthy son later that year.
And my life, and the definition of my self, changed. I was now a mom, and my dream had become a reality.